Saturday, August 13, 2005


THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE FIRST GNOSTIC CHURCH OF THE HOLY SPIRIT.
Accept no substitutes. From all good newsagents.. Every man a bishop..


BISHOP BRONWYN BITTEN ON BUTTOCK BY BEAVER!‘They lodge in my S bend!" P.8.

TUTU IN CLUB BAN! "NoTie! P.7.

POETRY CORNER.
I wandered lonely
Thinking of this and that, when suddenly I saw a cat.
The cat held in its mouth a candle.
The candle was burning at both ends and I wondered as I wandered.
ANON.

NEXT WEEK. POLE-VAULTING. THE TRUTH!

INAGURIAL POLITICAL MEETING DECLARED RIOTOUS ASSEMBLY.
INNOCENT BYSTANDER HIT WITH COLOSTOMY BAG.


A barricade of zimmer frames met police, who were called to a distburance in Campbell Street. Behind the barricade, a group of elderly people yelled taunts and hurled missiles.
"Some of them were women," said police spokesperson, Sgt Frame. "But not what you’d call ladies."
A neighbour, who declined to be named said,"We thought it was the poofters fighting again.
A red haired mystery man, who police described as the ringleader, was taken into custody after they declared the meeting to be riotous assembly and ordered the unruly mob to disperse.
"I was only exercising my rights of free speech, assembly and communication." When asked about the spray cans found in his possession, the mystery redhead allegedly said, "I sniff them for kicks. The prussian blue I find particularly uplifting."


CONTEMPLATION.
If Thou wouldst what Thou wouldst
And I wouldst what I wouldst.
If Thou wouldst what I wouldst.
And I wouldst what Thou wouldst, what a wonderful world it wouldst.


THINK ON IT.
The shortest distance between two problems is the solution.

Bishop Trevor Snivelle wishes to point out that his surname should be pronounced with the accent on the elle as in Macpherson."I am not a pedant," he said laughingly, "but..."


BISHOP IN COCKPIT SHOCK!
"I never touched the joystick." P9.


CRIME WATCH!
Balmain police warn pensioners to be on the lookout for a bogus bishop who preys on the elderly. Accomplished in ledgermane, he claims to be able to change water into wine. Once gaining entry to the wine cellar, what he does do is change wine into water, leaving people to die of thirst. The bewildered are especially at risk.

Letters from our Readers.

Re the new look Mitre. I cannot tell you how disgusted I felt about the goings on at the Glee Club. To actually speak about step in gaiters, not to mention re-inforced gussets, with or without smoked pearl buttons engraved Digby, goes beyond the pale of propriety.
Eulelie Sheen. (Miss) Toukley.

I cannot convey to you my gratification on reading your lead article about the Bishop and the Dwarfs. I had a similar experience. They are not to be trusted. They tend to kiss and tell.
Bernadette -Lourdes.

Re the tripe recipes. If this is the tripe of thing you are going to indulge in, you can cancel my subription now.
E. McPherson.

I tried, my God did I try recipe#86 of One hundred Ways with Tripe. However I still have the cellulite. Any suggestions?
Theresa Calcutta.

I made a full wedding breakfast according to recipe#32. Unfortunately my fiance called it off at the last minute. Does anyone have a use for three tonnes of tripe rissoles and silver beet and peanut cutlets?
Yvonn.Maria Faversham. Texas Ranch Q’land.

We are newly marrieds and tried your tripe method #44.
We are going back to the rhythm method.
Ian & Jenny. Oxley.

I made a set of cellular underwear (#31) It’s the envy of my friends. But does one wear the dimpled or plain side next to one’s skin?
Confused. Concord.

We served #73 (tripe in Crème de Menth sauce) at a recent Power Prayer Breakfast. Unlike Linda Lovelace, it didn’t go down too well.
Leanne and Cora Birchgrove.

AS WE ANNOUNCED IN THE FIRST ISSUE OF THE NEW LOOK MITRE. ‘ONE HUNDRED WAYS WITH TRIPE’ SHOULD HAVE READ CHICKEN LIVER THROUGHOUT.WE APOLOGISE FOR ANY CONFUSION. THE ISSUE IS NOW CLOSED AND NO FURTHER CORRESPONDANCE WILL BE ENTERED INTO.



BISHOP EXPLAINS POGO STICK ALLEGATIONS! "I had a lot of worry!" P.9



8 ARRESTED AT DANCE FESTIVAL!
Quick thinking by police, wielding fire hoses, averted a near riot at what was advertised as an exhibition of Danish Dancing in the Cathedral Hall last Saturday night.
More than three hundred bishops, many accompanied by their families re-acted angrily when, instead of Danish dancing, they were subjected to a noisy exhibition of Spanish dancing.
"Imagine my surprise when the curtain went up on two women who proceeded to lift the front of their dresses, stamp their feet and shout at this poor man who was only trying to play his guitar," said Bishop Alice Prune in an exclusive interview. "My friend and I queued all night for tickets, but it was the children I felt sorry for."
Another bishop, who declined to be named, said the trouble started when the man shouted back at the women, one of whom, he suspected, was wearing lipstick!
Bishop Snivell, who organised the festival, said he was at a loss how the mix up occurred but investigations are well under way







ELDERLEY MAN ADMONISHED.

An elderly Balmain man described by his counsel as a boulevardier and bon vivant patron of the arts, said,"I don’t know what came over me. It was completely out of character. I have been under the doctor for nervous peeing."
Describing the man’s behaviour at the inaugural meeting of a political party as, bizarre in the extreme, the magistrate let him off with a caution.


A READER WRITES.
Does anyone know of a use for dead Lemmings?
My life has been made misery by an infestation of lemmings in the roof. Their shrieks as they hurl themselves from the weather vane has made sleep impossible and they are clogging the drains.
Please don’t suggest Lemming meringue pie as I have heard this before and it has ceased to be funny.
Wits End. Rippon Lea.




BLINKING BISHOPS RISK BLINDNESS!
At a recent organ recital in the Cathedral hall some Bishops who were blinking in time to the music in an attempt to approximate the ambience of a disco were admitted later to Balmain Hospital suffering from eyestrain.
"There’s too much of this sort of thing going on among the younger set," said Bishop Snivell who also organised the ill-fated Festival de Danse. "We had just stamped out head banging. Now this."

F.I.S.T. MYSTERY MAN TO SPEAK.
PICTURE

The masked mystery man, who refuses on religious grounds to reveal his identity, or make a policy statement, was the surprise endorsement as candidate for the seat of Port Jackson by the pre selection committee of the fledgling F.I. S. T. (Federation of Independent Socialist Trustees - but that may change at any moment.) Party.
The Masked Mystery Man, who previously stated, "If endorsed, I will not stand. If elected, I will not serve." was unavailable for comment, but is expected to make a statement this evening at a masked ball.



EVERY CONFIDENCE IN SNIVELL!
The Balmain Synod gave a vote of thanks to Bishop Trevor Snivell last night.
"His attempts to bring culture to the masses has been frustrated at every turn by a small group of dissidents and would be schismatics,"said a leading Bishop who led a standing ovation.
Bishop Snivell, who is still investigating the events leading up to the near fatal riot at the Festival de Danse, was unavailable for comment.



VALE FREDA.
Freda the Human Follicle, who entertained generations of Balmainiacs at The village’s annual Bacchanal, died yesterday. The tonsorial artiste, whose entire body was covered in a three-meter train of hair took ill during rehearsals and was rushed to the Cottage Hospital. Although a preliminary autopsy found Freda’s alimentary canal to be stuffed with fur balls, spokesman, Dr Patel, said she had died of natural causes.
A celebration of Freda’s life will be held at the Big Hair Salon on Passion Sunday after Evensong.

PURPLE PASSAGES.
"Do you like masked balls? Lord Morley said suddenly.
Polly put down her nasal plucker and burst into peals of laughter. "I’m sorry," she said. "I thought you said masked balls."
"I did," Lord Morley said.
"Oh, " Polly said.

PICTURE.
‘NOT BLOODY LIKELY’!.
Yvette Lady Honeycut, whose surprise resignation from Federal parliament shocked the nation, said she had lost all interest in politics. "I am quite happy sitting here knitting tripe socks," she said. Asked if she would consider standing as an independent, she said, "No. Even if I came to me on bended knee to stand as independent, I emphatically would not."


I DID NOT HAVE TEX WITH THIS MAN.’
Dr R Scott Treadwell Provost of the von Bismark Academy for the learned gentry denied authorship of a string of lewd, suggestive texts sent to the so called Masked Mysteryman. "I can assure you that with Anorak Awareness Week just around the corner, I’m far too busy for such nonsense," he said laughing.
When asked about ‘tutor tarting’, the latest scandal to explode on an already bomb scarred campus, Dr R Scott Treadwell said,’Look , the Federation went over all that with a fine tooth comb and didn’t find one scintilla of evidence.As far as I am concerned, someone’s bio rythyms are out of whack."